Suffering. This year, I have been on a search for God's goodness midst suffering; suffering of the worst kind. Rejection. Rejection messes with your mind and your heart. It takes you on a quest for identity. Over and over, I have asked God, "Who am I? Do I still matter to you?" I have seen the worst in myself this year. I cringe every time I reflect on the emotional turmoil of my heart. Turmoil that I am still battling. Occasionally I hear, "Be still and know that I am God." What does one do when it seems as if that rejection comes from God?
I sat in a room of 18 future missionaries. All of us were rearing to go! Until, I received the news that I would not be among the willing. I was the 1 in 18. I loved and supported the ones who were chosen. Why did God reject me? "You aren't ready." It still rings in my ears.
I had miraculous events take place after those two weeks and ended up in Cuba! My heart was still on spin.
I went to Alabama to begin full-time ministry with my man. I experienced a new normal as I began my M.A. Everything fell into place.
My apartment became my home. Weed dealers, 2 a.m. fights coming into my living room, shots firing, weekend parties, hail raining from heaven...no place like home! I was dazed and unprepared. I could not wait to get out of there.
It began to seem as if Satan was taking shot after shot at my faith. There were numerous situations that were out of my control. I needed to breathe.
The tears overwhelmed my face as I made my way to professional counseling. Defeat threatened to knock at my door. I remember the long, dreaded walk as I drudged up the stairs.
3 years at Bible college. My sanctuary was gone. I wanted a safe place. Ministry is hard! People are hard! Life is hard! Joy comes despite the circumstances. I thought, how do I get there?!
This year has been a constant FIGHT for joy!
About a week ago, the door to church ministry was shut. There are no words to explain that type of experience when it happens twice in one year! Confusion, doubt, bitterness, anger, and hurt are unwelcome companions.
Today, my Mom told me stories of a defiant, stubborn three year old. Stories of me. Hope sparked as I remembered words of a college professor, "Brittany, people with your background do not end up here at Bible college. How did you get here?"
I believe God's goodness has been etched through the suffering. Somehow, that girl has been lost. The vibrant, "don't stand in my way" attitude has been crushed. I am not talking about rebellion against God or brother. I do not want that. I am talking about being an OUTLAW for the cause of Christ! I want to rebel against the gates of Hell.
Emotionally, it has been a year of hell for me. Satan is relentless. I am a witness that claims God's goodness is alive and well in the desert of life!
This season has been a dry desert. I have been left thirsty. God's goodness prevails.
I am nowhere where I want to be. There are days I lay flat out in my room and cry tears of desperation. I constantly ask, "Why is God rejecting me? What is this season of life? I have never been here before?!"
God knew I needed counseling before I did. God knew not to send me to the mission field. I can barely do life on my own in Florence, Alabama. Only God knows what is around the corner as Erik and I get married.
I have seen God's goodness as He teaches me to rest in Him. I keep making plans. "I am going to do this tomorrow. I am going here. I am going there."
Honestly, I do not know what tomorrow holds. I have no idea what I am doing in 2 hours!
One day, I hope I can say I am thankful for how God has used this year to peel back layers. He has used this year to reveal bondage that I did not know even existed. He has used this time to run me through the fire!
I wish I could say I have been strong. I have not.
I can say my Rock has been strong. I can say He is faithful. I can say Jesus reigns.
I have probably cried an ocean this year. I have definitely beaten the world's record for most questions asked. In times of grief, confusion, and suffering of any kind, Christ is there. I may not see Him. I may not feel Him. I may not even be able to cry out to Him.
I choose to be stubborn. I choose to believe in Scripture. I choose no other way! I cannot!
I do not understand. There is no big picture to grasp.
I cling to the waistcoat of my Savior. That is all I know to do.
He is good!
My prayer.
"These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:7
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