Golden Suffering

Scrape. Scraaape. Scraaaaaape. With each stroke, my flesh is seared. Scab after scab yanked loose from my stubborn skin. Wounds left vulnerable to infection. Raw. I easily embrace the old, coping mechanism. Escaping when I can no longer breathe has always worked in the past. However, my shoes are glued to the floor. I glance around to find the source of pain. I already know. Somehow, the fire burns, but I am graciously protected from disintegration.

Suffering. This year, I have been on a search for God's goodness midst suffering; suffering of the worst kind. Rejection. Rejection messes with your mind and your heart. It takes you on a quest for identity. Over and over, I have asked God, "Who am I? Do I still matter to you?" I have seen the worst in myself this year. I cringe every time I reflect on the emotional turmoil of my heart. Turmoil that I am still battling. Occasionally I hear, "Be still and know that I am God." What does one do when it seems as if that rejection comes from God? 

I sat in a room of 18 future missionaries. All of us were rearing to go! Until, I received the news that I would not be among the willing. I was the 1 in 18. I loved and supported the ones who were chosen. Why did God reject me? "You aren't ready." It still rings in my ears.

I had miraculous events take place after those two weeks and ended up in Cuba! My heart was still on spin. 

I went to Alabama to begin full-time ministry with my man. I experienced a new normal as I began my M.A. Everything fell into place. 

My apartment became my home. Weed dealers, 2 a.m. fights coming into my living room, shots firing, weekend parties, hail raining from heaven...no place like home! I was dazed and unprepared. I could not wait to get out of there. 

It began to seem as if Satan was taking shot after shot at my faith. There were numerous situations that were out of my control. I needed to breathe. 

The tears overwhelmed my face as I made my way to professional counseling. Defeat threatened to knock at my door. I remember the long, dreaded walk as I drudged up the stairs. 

3 years at Bible college. My sanctuary was gone. I wanted a safe place. Ministry is hard! People are hard! Life is hard! Joy comes despite the circumstances. I thought, how do I get there?! 

This year has been a constant FIGHT for joy! 

About a week ago, the door to church ministry was shut. There are no words to explain that type of experience when it happens twice in one year! Confusion, doubt, bitterness, anger, and hurt are unwelcome companions. 

Today, my Mom told me stories of a defiant, stubborn three year old. Stories of me. Hope sparked as I remembered words of a college professor, "Brittany, people with your background do not end up here at Bible college. How did you get here?" 

I believe God's goodness has been etched through the suffering. Somehow, that girl has been lost. The vibrant, "don't stand in my way" attitude has been crushed. I am not talking about rebellion against God or brother. I do not want that. I am talking about being an OUTLAW for the cause of Christ! I want to rebel against the gates of Hell. 

Emotionally, it has been a year of hell for me. Satan is relentless. I am a witness that claims God's goodness is alive and well in the desert of life! 

This season has been a dry desert. I have been left thirsty. God's goodness prevails.

I am nowhere where I want to be. There are days I lay flat out in my room and cry tears of desperation. I constantly ask, "Why is God rejecting me? What is this season of life? I have never been here before?!" 

God knew I needed counseling before I did. God knew not to send me to the mission field. I can barely do life on my own in Florence, Alabama. Only God knows what is around the corner as Erik and I get married. 

I have seen God's goodness as He teaches me to rest in Him. I keep making plans. "I am going to do this tomorrow. I am going here. I am going there."

Honestly, I do not know what tomorrow holds. I have no idea what I am doing in 2 hours! 

One day, I hope I can say I am thankful for how God has used this year to peel back layers. He has used this year to reveal bondage that I did not know even existed. He has used this time to run me through the fire! 

I wish I could say I have been strong. I have not. 

I can say my Rock has been strong. I can say He is faithful. I can say Jesus reigns. 

I have probably cried an ocean this year. I have definitely beaten the world's record for most questions asked. In times of grief, confusion, and suffering of any kind, Christ is there. I may not see Him. I may not feel Him. I may not even be able to cry out to Him. 

I choose to be stubborn. I choose to believe in Scripture. I choose no other way! I cannot! 

I do not  understand. There is no big picture to grasp. 

I cling to the waistcoat of my Savior. That is all I know to do. 

He is good! 

My prayer.

"These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:7

Pequeno Hogar

The broken gravel crackled beneath Evelynn’s brown, strappy sandals as she sprinted down the forsaken street of CaÑita. Dilapidated blurs of pastels whizzed past as painful reminders of the luxuries of home. Evelynn’s honeydew curls bobbed rhythmically past her polka-dotted backpack despite the torturous effects of Panama’s unnatural humidity. She continued down the path of exhilarating freedom until her beloved solace came into view. PequeÑo Hogar, or Little Home, suited the quaint river. Evelynn knew no other.

“This is fleeting, Evelynn. You’ll see. We’ll be back home in no time.” Her parents had promised a quick return. Yet, the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into three months. Alabama seemed like a distant memory. I miss my friends. I miss air conditioning. Shoot, I miss plain English!  Her father’s electrical company, Bright Futures, had relocated their top engineers. Unfortunately, Thomas Wilson surpassed the rest.

Caught off guard, Evelynn glided down the slope to the murky edge. Tropical trees swayed in tune with the demands of the wind. Bees, mosquitos, and flies hovered about the water’s edge, their tiny feet tickling the red mud. Evelynn’s heart rate slowed to a mere patter as peace swamped through all her anxieties. She kicked off her shoes, shed her swim covering, and plunked in the wet clay. Her feet barely immersed due to fear of leeches. 

Evelynn spent the afternoon braving the pages of Mark Twain’s, Huckleberry Finn. She huffed out a regretful sigh. I’ll never be as adventurous or independent as Huck.

Evelynn gasped as a strong gust of wind carried the paperback into the treacherous waters. Rain began to pelt the peaceful stream marking sharp ripples. The tranquil abode soon lost appeal as small creatures scurried to shelter. Evelynn hurriedly gathered her things. As she bent over to retrieve her sandals, a screeching sound reverberated overhead. A young boy flew through the air, released a tethered rope, and plopped into the river. The audacity of the boy rivetted Evelynn making it hard to breathe as she waited for him to resurface.

“Ayudame! Ayudame!” Desperate cries finally filled the thick air as his head emerged from the nasty abyss. Evelynn did not know enough Spanish to translate, but she did know the danger looming when arms flailed in a body of water. Think like Huck! Think like Huck! She glanced fervently along the shores hoping for a sign of life. Instead, she spotted an abandoned dinghy. Rushing to the rickety structure, Evelynn cautiously stepped aboard, sat down, and picked up the two oars. Lightening permeated the dark sky. Evelynn hastened to his aid.

Scrambling to her knees, Evelynn approached the side of the dinghy thrusting out her hand. The rebellious waters further separated Evelynn from the boy. As she stretched her entire body weight over the side of the boat, the dinghy failed under the pressure. Evelynn and the oars toppled with the boat.

 “Gotcha!” Evelynn grabbed him by the hair. The shore was only a few feet away, but the swift current made the task daunting. Evelynn used all the strength she could muster. The boy’s weight was manageable in the water but impossible to transport once on shore. Evelynn hit her knees and rolled him the remaining distance until they had cleared of the river’s danger.

His eyes jerked open, laughter etching his brown facial features. He hopped to his feet singing and dancing. He grabbed Evelynn’s hands and began twirling to the beat of the storm. Evelynn didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“What is wrong with you? Do you speak English?” Jerking her hands away, Evelynn peered closer at the boy but jumped back when he tugged on her drying curls.

“Hey! Stop that! Why didn’t you swim to shore? Were you drowning?” The boy was not interested in answering Evelynn’s questions. He turned and raced back to the water.

“Wait a minute! You don’t know how to swim!” Idiot. She watched him skillfully maneuver through the water to retrieve her book, the oars, and the dinghy. His muscles taut as he pulled the boat back to its original, resting place.

As the storm began to taper, the boy climbed the ravine and disappeared behind the surrounding shrubbery. Evellyn’s knees buckled as she sank in the mud. She frantically searched her body for leeches. There were none to be found. Would her parents believe her? Would they even listen as she recounted the events of today? What just happened?  

As fast as he had gone, he returned. He smiled a large, toothy grin and placed the soggy copy of Huckleberry Finn along with a Spanish dictionary in Evelynn’s hands. Confused, she glanced from her hands to his face. He squeezed Evelynn with a firm hug as if to say goodbye and raced through the wooded land. She began to deposit her books in her backpack but caught a glimpse of writing inside the front cover of the Spanish dictionary.

Hi there! My name is Joe. I stood over your shoulder as you reacted to Huckleberry Finn. It is one of my favorites too! You may seem lost and fear you lack courage, but I am here to tell you that is not the case. I took it upon myself to show you the bravery residing inside. Hope you don’t mind! See you around!

P.S. English is hard, but Spanish is easy! Welcome home. 

No Words

Speechless,

I approach the Throne

My flesh is weak

Dry down to the bone

Selfishly,

Before the King I stand

A trail of sin

My chaining band

Struggling,

My steps grow slower

The purity of His presence

Demands I cower

Shamefully,

My head bends low

My knees go weak

Amid His glorious glow

Fearfully,

My sin hinders

The weight too great

Lingering hope flickers

Gracefully,

He is established as Seeker

I am there

My perspective bleaker

Lovingly,

His gaze lingers

My soul ablaze

Touched my His healing fingers

Amazingly,

Grace so free

Released at His feet

To help  me see

Blameless,

Is His destiny for me

But my heart quivers

For can it truly be

Selflessly,

He takes on what binds

Through His love

Freedom my soul finds

In awe,

I cannot understand

Contentment

From His redemptive plan

Joyfully,

My cup overflows

Jesus as just and merciful God

My heart now knows

Humbly,

My humanity fails

To adequately praise

The King who saves

Saved by grace,

I profess His Name

Chosen by Him

I am no longer the same

The Gardener

Knock, knock, knock

My ears perk

A melodious sound

The Gardener approaches

With the hope of being found

Feet race

This heart soars

Giddiness ensues

Melt away the morning dews

Hands tremble

The gate opens wide

Nail-scarred feet

Soon by my side

A hastening glance

Words unspoken

The sight raises bile

But a lingering smile

Ashes remain

From a time before

Darkness had been here

To return nevermore

Flames ablaze

Set by His loving hand

Desiring to rid

The thorns from the land

His smile widens

Delight in His grip

Joy in His eyes

As He wonderfully sighs

Out of His lips

The life-giving well rids

Flowing over all

Daring not to stall

His Presence saturates

All in His sight

What was once dead

Now has life

Chrysanthemums of generosity

Bloom in radiance

Daffodils of integrity

Abound in extravagance

Tulips of love

Pop up rapidly

And buttercups of grace

Consume the place

The Gardener continues

No end to be known

The garden thrives

His touch makes it come alive

Beauty is found

Where death did abound

Awe and wonder

Are now the thoughts I ponder

Such a beautiful place

None has ever seen

Until the Gardener

For sure has been

His works are wonderful

But the beloved spot

There is no doubt

Is my favorite lot

There is a swing

Full of pain, grief, and sorrow

Where I sat

During the former tomorrow

Every night I cried out to Him

My garden was dying

I did not know where to begin

In my anguish

He set my world on turn

Every single fruit

Destined to burn

It was from that swing

Intimacy I discovered

Where the gardener

Prioritized to hover

Tis true

The fire caused pain

But in that moment

My Gardener took my shame

That swing in the middle

I clung so tight

I trusted Him with all might

After the worst

Back again He returned

For a remnant remained

One lonely swing full of adoration and praise

Around the swing

Began His love

With tender-hearted care

He infiltrated beauty from above

Richness and goodness

Define the garden I now know

His fingerprints

Seem to gloriously glow

I take Him to the swing

Where His love He does bring

Thistles are no more

Satisfaction is the core

Time with Him is oh so sweet

My Gardener

I desire you

To swiftly meet

*Isaiah 5:1-7*

When I Ponder

When I ponder the greatness of God

All else is but a whisper

Oceans surge, lightening strikes

And nations tremble

His glory exudes from the highest place

Oh but for a taste

from the storehouse of heaven

When I ponder the greatness of God

How can I not lose my life

For I am but dust

Who else can I trust

When I was only dirt

In mercy, He gave me breath

When I ponder the greatness of God

I see my Savior's face

His eyes flash fire

His hair is snow white

Brilliant splendor is His covering

In Him darkness is light

When I ponder the greatness of God

I struggle with words

For the One who is and was and is to come

Lets me know I am heard

To stand before my glorious Prince

With His arms opened wide

Puts the demons to flight

And hell gets left behind

When I ponder the greatness of God

Creation leaves me in awe

For His fingerprints leave 

Reflections for all to see

The toddler giggles

The squirrels flee

The eagle soars

Then there's me

When I ponder the greatness of God

I marvel at the thought

That His love is pure

Before I even loved Him

Of me He was sure

He chose my flesh as His temple

Completely God

Surrounded by puss oozing pimples

When I ponder the greatness of God

My eyes flood with tears

For all those who refuse

As I did in past years

I have committed every sin in the Book

I have played the role of a crook

But when I ponder the greatness of God

I understand

It's not about me

But the love of the Son of Man

When Heaven Shakes

Apathy knocks stubbornly at my door
It takes a while but finally my knees hit the floor
Already waiting is the Prince of my heart
By His tender touch my lips part

Tears flood as anxiety slips away
The storm calms as I entrust to Him my day
Like King David and the ones before
My peace is found at the Holy threshing floor

He does not fear the tumult of pleas
He does not demand a long list of fees
Unconditionally and full of grace
His sweet love grazes my tear stained face

The world laughs and mocks at the helpless one
With one breath of His mouth He shouts, IT IS DONE
Instantly the surge calms and my soul awakens
For with each mighty step the nations are shaken

In sweeps my hero with eyes of fire
Majestic wings cover me, the wings of my Sire
His protection is swift and sure
My worries are no more

My trust is founded in the King of kings
In His rest His praises I sing
Praise be to the one who rescues me
My eyes turn to Jesus and I AM FREE

When Love Ran

"Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim His greatness. Let the whole world know what He has done. Sing to Him; yes, sing His praises. Tell everyone about His wonderful deeds." Psalm 105: 1-2

"Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--and I am the worst of them all. But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of His great patience with even the worst sinners." 1 Timothy 15-16

The words of Paul ring in my ears, "I am the worst of them all." Here is a man who spent a great deal of his life training in religious studies to continue the work by persecuting those who proclaimed Jesus Christ as the Son of God. He truly believed this was his service to God. He wanted to annihilate those he perceived as enemies of God all the while being completely oblivious to the truth that he was indeed the one guilty of blasphemy. The blood of the saints rested on his hands. On the way to Damascus, Jesus in all His glory met Saul and inquired, "Saul, Saul why are you persecuting me?" Saul's response: "who are you, lord?" A question Jesus does not hesitate to answer! One that was answered in my own life. 

My entire life I have heard the gospel. Jesus Christ was sent by God as His one and only Son not to condemn the world but to save the world. This is the good news! However, my eyes were blinded. I could not see the good news. Condemnation was my persistent companion. Sin was my covering. On the outside everything looked great! I went to church, I attended Bible studies. As a teenager, I did not drink, party, lose my 'virginity', or anything else the world deems as a good kid. I flourished in my academics and the mask that concealed my heart was sufficient until the day I came face to face with a very real enemy, Satan himself. 

The whirlwind of sin began slow. It quickly escalated into a heap of a mess. I was used and abused and vice versa. Any kind of attention I could get, I took. I used what was created by God as a means to indulge in self pleasures. Idolatry quickly became my lifestyle and destruction was inevitable. When I thought I had nothing left to offer from the escapade of the 'good kid' disguise I sank to the ultimate low. I rummaged through my Dad's closet and found his gun. I reflected on the disgusting existence of guilt and shame that had become my daily life. There was NO WAY this Jesus who came to save could ever want anything to do with me!?! I took His name and dragged it through the mud! I dishonored, shamed, and disgraced everything about Him. I was the WORST OF ALL SINNERS! As I racked with sobs and shouts of desperation I cried, "JESUS HELP ME" one last time! 

It has been a year since that desperate plea! In all of my sin, fear, shame, and guilt I can stand before you and honestly tell you Jesus HEARD my plea! Not only did He hear me but He also ANSWERED ME! I wanted to take the time to write this to share with you not a sob story but a story of redemption and grace that Jesus Christ has a passion for the WORST SINNER! In a world with masks and disguises, it is easy to assume that only perfect people are in God's graces but this is a lie straight from hell because there are no perfect people. Not only are there not any but God favors the humble! God favors the one who recognizes sin and is helpless to do anything about it! Do you know why? It is because through that desperation we realize our need for Jesus Christ! We realize we can do nothing to change the state we are in and we need outside help! God rejoices when we cry out to Him! 

Now...let me tell you! Over the past year...INCREDIBLE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED IN MY LIFE! 

1. For the first time, I experienced TRUE SALVATION through Jesus Christ!

2. I followed with believer's baptism which has an unique story of it's own. I grew up a pastor's kid and when I was seven I had the privilege of having my Dad baptize me. Looking back on it, I realize I did not fully understand the implications. Since, my relationship with my Dad has not been what it could be. I really wanted my Dad to be there for this monumental occasion in my life so I asked him to come. His response was no at the time and instead of harping on him I stepped back and hit my knees. This was one of my first moments of having a heart to heart with Christ where I shared the deepest desires of my heart and hoped for an answer. That night I had a dream that my dad would indeed show up. That Sunday morning I asked my sister in Sunday school, do you think he will come? She said, "Naw, I don't think so." I walk out and there in the sanctuary was my Dad! At that moment, my trust in my Savior began to build! The foundation was set!

3. My entire life I have longed to be known and truly loved. I have searched for love in all the wrong places. Last year my sister met an incredible Godly man and fell head over heels. By June she had an engagement ring! I wanted to be happy for her! I wanted to jump for joy for God was doing a marvelous work in her life; however, my bitterness began to set in! I was the older sister and could not understand why it was her and not me. That night after trying to smile over her engagement I cried my heart out once again to my King. What seems so petty to most, I learned turned his heart to compassion. The very next night at church, I was handed a check for $1,500 for school and told I had a going away party coming up plus a planned love offering! GOD HAD MATCHED THE PRICE OF THE RING WITH MONEY IN MY POCKET FOR SCHOOL! Once again, trust was gained! Gently and quietly Jesus was pulling me into deeper waters and telling me to trust Him. He had a plan for me and He was working. Marriage was my sister's plan at the moment but not mine, but just because she was getting to walk down the aisle did not mean He had forgotten about me. He listened to my cries and then acted.

4. The Spirit was moving me to Nashville, TN to pursue a degree in missions at Welch College. I am three classes away from a BS in English at the University of North Alabama. It was hard for others to swallow that I was dropping everything to pursue an expensive Christian education. I was leaving the security of employment, my family, financial security, and all I knew and loved. I went to college with a check from the church for $2,400, all the supplies I needed such as food, clothes, cleaning supplies, etc. also from the church, and the prayers of many! I did not lack anything. A few weeks before leaving I would come face to face with various individuals. One lady who I had never met before approached me and proceeded to extract all the cash out of her wallet and hand it to me! I found out later that the next day this same lady was having surgery for ovarian cancer! A man stepped into preach at church in the place of our pastor. I had never seen him before in my life. After the service he handed me an envelope with my name on it and inside was $50! The night before I left I visited various neighbors to say good-bye. Two of these neighbors were widows who had become precious to me! Both of them went to their wallets and handed me cash. I did not ask for a dime! 

5. I have no car and no license. I did not have a way to school and I was not going to ask my parents for I knew they were not in a place to carry me. I prayed to Jesus and He heard me! My parents did indeed end up taking me to school and on their 25th wedding anniversary! It was a wonderful time and to most it may seem irrelevant but to me it was the BEST! I left home at 17 and was not able to experience the normal college experience when I first entered college! This was my second chance!

6. I attempted to get a job while on campus but all plans fell through. My bank account dwindled down to $.35. I did not even have quarters to do laundry. It came down to the end of the semester. My bill was $10,000! I finished the semester and ALL OF IT WAS PAID WITH EXTRA TO PUT TOWARDS THE SPRING SEMESTER! All I owe after seven years of college is $1,700!!!!!!! 

7. As life gets busy, the joy of my first love seems to fade! I know He is there but the mighty acts are not as fresh and doubts begin to linger. It happened to the Israelites and it happens to me. This past week has been rough. Doubts have been my covering! I cried, JESUS HELP ME as in the past and He did not disappoint! I was invited to Starbucks my a beautiful Godly friend and she and I dwelled on the mighty works of Jesus Christ together! My cup overflowed and once again my Savior rescued me!

This is only a handful of the rescuing power of Jesus Christ and guess what?! All of this happened for not a girl who had it all together but for one of the WORST OF SINNERS! My testimony is full of darkness and sin! I AM THE UNFAITHFUL! That is until Jesus Christ stepped in and covered me with His blood! That is until my loving Shepherd guided me into His pasture land! Do not tell me that one is too far gone! Do not tell me that someone is too far off the narrow path to come into His dwelling place! That is Christ's specialty! He doesn't wait for them to come to Him! HE RUNS TO THEM! HE CHASES THE WORST SINNER! HIS HEART ACHES FOR THOSE WHO ARE TRAPPED AND OPPRESSED BY THE ONSLAUGHT OF THE ENEMY! 

How do I know all of this?! I WAS THE WORST OF ALL SINNERS! Saul was changed to Paul! He became one of the greatest missionaries to ever live! He went from killing Christians to being killed for being a Christian! If a murderer can be radically saved and a young girl bent on adultery and idolatry can be saved...ANYONE CAN BE SAVED!

I love Jesus Christ not because I am trying to fit a mold but because He accepted me AS IS! He pursued me with a ferocity that I had never before witnessed and did not let up until He had me in His arms! THAT IS LOVE! THAT IS GRACE! THAT IS FREEDOM! I am not worthy but by HIS STRIPES I AM HEALED! God plays no favorites! Listen to the thunder of His feet as He races after you, turn your head and heart into His direction, and realize that the saving power of Jesus Christ is just as real today as it has ever been! There is no evil or no sin that can stand in the way of the blood of Jesus! Darkness is as light to Him and HE WANTS THE SINNER! He chased after me when I was completely unlovely and hideous! He does the same for all sinners! He takes my rags and turns it into righteousness! He takes my cheap imitations and hands me genuine treasure! HE IS MY TREASURE! He is my heart's cry! My strength lies in Jesus Christ and no other name will do! Why?! BECAUSE HE LOVED THE WORST OF SINNERS! He did not look at me with judgment looming in His eyes! Instead all He could see was a lost sheep in need of a Shepherd! His heart turned towards me and HE RAN! WHAT LOVE!