"Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim His greatness. Let the whole world know what He has done. Sing to Him; yes, sing His praises. Tell everyone about His wonderful deeds." Psalm 105: 1-2
"Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--and I am the worst of them all. But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of His great patience with even the worst sinners." 1 Timothy 15-16
The words of Paul ring in my ears, "I am the worst of them all." Here is a man who spent a great deal of his life training in religious studies to continue the work by persecuting those who proclaimed Jesus Christ as the Son of God. He truly believed this was his service to God. He wanted to annihilate those he perceived as enemies of God all the while being completely oblivious to the truth that he was indeed the one guilty of blasphemy. The blood of the saints rested on his hands. On the way to Damascus, Jesus in all His glory met Saul and inquired, "Saul, Saul why are you persecuting me?" Saul's response: "who are you, lord?" A question Jesus does not hesitate to answer! One that was answered in my own life.
My entire life I have heard the gospel. Jesus Christ was sent by God as His one and only Son not to condemn the world but to save the world. This is the good news! However, my eyes were blinded. I could not see the good news. Condemnation was my persistent companion. Sin was my covering. On the outside everything looked great! I went to church, I attended Bible studies. As a teenager, I did not drink, party, lose my 'virginity', or anything else the world deems as a good kid. I flourished in my academics and the mask that concealed my heart was sufficient until the day I came face to face with a very real enemy, Satan himself.
The whirlwind of sin began slow. It quickly escalated into a heap of a mess. I was used and abused and vice versa. Any kind of attention I could get, I took. I used what was created by God as a means to indulge in self pleasures. Idolatry quickly became my lifestyle and destruction was inevitable. When I thought I had nothing left to offer from the escapade of the 'good kid' disguise I sank to the ultimate low. I rummaged through my Dad's closet and found his gun. I reflected on the disgusting existence of guilt and shame that had become my daily life. There was NO WAY this Jesus who came to save could ever want anything to do with me!?! I took His name and dragged it through the mud! I dishonored, shamed, and disgraced everything about Him. I was the WORST OF ALL SINNERS! As I racked with sobs and shouts of desperation I cried, "JESUS HELP ME" one last time!
It has been a year since that desperate plea! In all of my sin, fear, shame, and guilt I can stand before you and honestly tell you Jesus HEARD my plea! Not only did He hear me but He also ANSWERED ME! I wanted to take the time to write this to share with you not a sob story but a story of redemption and grace that Jesus Christ has a passion for the WORST SINNER! In a world with masks and disguises, it is easy to assume that only perfect people are in God's graces but this is a lie straight from hell because there are no perfect people. Not only are there not any but God favors the humble! God favors the one who recognizes sin and is helpless to do anything about it! Do you know why? It is because through that desperation we realize our need for Jesus Christ! We realize we can do nothing to change the state we are in and we need outside help! God rejoices when we cry out to Him!
Now...let me tell you! Over the past year...INCREDIBLE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED IN MY LIFE!
1. For the first time, I experienced TRUE SALVATION through Jesus Christ!
2. I followed with believer's baptism which has an unique story of it's own. I grew up a pastor's kid and when I was seven I had the privilege of having my Dad baptize me. Looking back on it, I realize I did not fully understand the implications. Since, my relationship with my Dad has not been what it could be. I really wanted my Dad to be there for this monumental occasion in my life so I asked him to come. His response was no at the time and instead of harping on him I stepped back and hit my knees. This was one of my first moments of having a heart to heart with Christ where I shared the deepest desires of my heart and hoped for an answer. That night I had a dream that my dad would indeed show up. That Sunday morning I asked my sister in Sunday school, do you think he will come? She said, "Naw, I don't think so." I walk out and there in the sanctuary was my Dad! At that moment, my trust in my Savior began to build! The foundation was set!
3. My entire life I have longed to be known and truly loved. I have searched for love in all the wrong places. Last year my sister met an incredible Godly man and fell head over heels. By June she had an engagement ring! I wanted to be happy for her! I wanted to jump for joy for God was doing a marvelous work in her life; however, my bitterness began to set in! I was the older sister and could not understand why it was her and not me. That night after trying to smile over her engagement I cried my heart out once again to my King. What seems so petty to most, I learned turned his heart to compassion. The very next night at church, I was handed a check for $1,500 for school and told I had a going away party coming up plus a planned love offering! GOD HAD MATCHED THE PRICE OF THE RING WITH MONEY IN MY POCKET FOR SCHOOL! Once again, trust was gained! Gently and quietly Jesus was pulling me into deeper waters and telling me to trust Him. He had a plan for me and He was working. Marriage was my sister's plan at the moment but not mine, but just because she was getting to walk down the aisle did not mean He had forgotten about me. He listened to my cries and then acted.
4. The Spirit was moving me to Nashville, TN to pursue a degree in missions at Welch College. I am three classes away from a BS in English at the University of North Alabama. It was hard for others to swallow that I was dropping everything to pursue an expensive Christian education. I was leaving the security of employment, my family, financial security, and all I knew and loved. I went to college with a check from the church for $2,400, all the supplies I needed such as food, clothes, cleaning supplies, etc. also from the church, and the prayers of many! I did not lack anything. A few weeks before leaving I would come face to face with various individuals. One lady who I had never met before approached me and proceeded to extract all the cash out of her wallet and hand it to me! I found out later that the next day this same lady was having surgery for ovarian cancer! A man stepped into preach at church in the place of our pastor. I had never seen him before in my life. After the service he handed me an envelope with my name on it and inside was $50! The night before I left I visited various neighbors to say good-bye. Two of these neighbors were widows who had become precious to me! Both of them went to their wallets and handed me cash. I did not ask for a dime!
5. I have no car and no license. I did not have a way to school and I was not going to ask my parents for I knew they were not in a place to carry me. I prayed to Jesus and He heard me! My parents did indeed end up taking me to school and on their 25th wedding anniversary! It was a wonderful time and to most it may seem irrelevant but to me it was the BEST! I left home at 17 and was not able to experience the normal college experience when I first entered college! This was my second chance!
6. I attempted to get a job while on campus but all plans fell through. My bank account dwindled down to $.35. I did not even have quarters to do laundry. It came down to the end of the semester. My bill was $10,000! I finished the semester and ALL OF IT WAS PAID WITH EXTRA TO PUT TOWARDS THE SPRING SEMESTER! All I owe after seven years of college is $1,700!!!!!!!
7. As life gets busy, the joy of my first love seems to fade! I know He is there but the mighty acts are not as fresh and doubts begin to linger. It happened to the Israelites and it happens to me. This past week has been rough. Doubts have been my covering! I cried, JESUS HELP ME as in the past and He did not disappoint! I was invited to Starbucks my a beautiful Godly friend and she and I dwelled on the mighty works of Jesus Christ together! My cup overflowed and once again my Savior rescued me!
This is only a handful of the rescuing power of Jesus Christ and guess what?! All of this happened for not a girl who had it all together but for one of the WORST OF SINNERS! My testimony is full of darkness and sin! I AM THE UNFAITHFUL! That is until Jesus Christ stepped in and covered me with His blood! That is until my loving Shepherd guided me into His pasture land! Do not tell me that one is too far gone! Do not tell me that someone is too far off the narrow path to come into His dwelling place! That is Christ's specialty! He doesn't wait for them to come to Him! HE RUNS TO THEM! HE CHASES THE WORST SINNER! HIS HEART ACHES FOR THOSE WHO ARE TRAPPED AND OPPRESSED BY THE ONSLAUGHT OF THE ENEMY!
How do I know all of this?! I WAS THE WORST OF ALL SINNERS! Saul was changed to Paul! He became one of the greatest missionaries to ever live! He went from killing Christians to being killed for being a Christian! If a murderer can be radically saved and a young girl bent on adultery and idolatry can be saved...ANYONE CAN BE SAVED!
I love Jesus Christ not because I am trying to fit a mold but because He accepted me AS IS! He pursued me with a ferocity that I had never before witnessed and did not let up until He had me in His arms! THAT IS LOVE! THAT IS GRACE! THAT IS FREEDOM! I am not worthy but by HIS STRIPES I AM HEALED! God plays no favorites! Listen to the thunder of His feet as He races after you, turn your head and heart into His direction, and realize that the saving power of Jesus Christ is just as real today as it has ever been! There is no evil or no sin that can stand in the way of the blood of Jesus! Darkness is as light to Him and HE WANTS THE SINNER! He chased after me when I was completely unlovely and hideous! He does the same for all sinners! He takes my rags and turns it into righteousness! He takes my cheap imitations and hands me genuine treasure! HE IS MY TREASURE! He is my heart's cry! My strength lies in Jesus Christ and no other name will do! Why?! BECAUSE HE LOVED THE WORST OF SINNERS! He did not look at me with judgment looming in His eyes! Instead all He could see was a lost sheep in need of a Shepherd! His heart turned towards me and HE RAN! WHAT LOVE!
